about last week
I’ve been thinking a lot about what to write after last
week. How to put into words the massive ups and downs. How to express my
gratitude.
Last Sunday I made a return to social media, with a caveat.
With the promise to be truly open and painfully vulnerable. It seemed to me
that the road back would mean taking a new path altogether – one that was
rooted in truth. I had to be myself, no matter what. And though it was wholly
terrifying to me I did it. Approximately three mild panic attacks later I pressed,
“publish” and didn’t look back.
And what a welcome I received. You. You beautiful sparkling
souls. You moved me to tears. You overwhelmed me. You said, “I see you.” You
reached out and took my hand. There was so much magic that happened on this app
last week. And though there is no way I could ever adequately thank you for
making a stranger feel so heard and so loved – THANK YOU. This truly was
something I did for us. I wanted to
reach into something deeper, something beyond a glossy photo. I wanted us to be
able to connect on the level of our souls. And though I wasn’t sure it would be
entirely possible YOU made it happen. So thank you, thank you so, so much. It’s
an honor to have you all in my life.
I also had no idea that the week I would open up about my
own struggle with mental health would become a week when everyone would have to
face the fact that mental health issues are not just disruptive or destructive,
they can have fatal consequences too. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I didn’t realize that having just begun this journey towards
healing would mean I would be especially vulnerable and susceptible to
backsliding. And that’s exactly what happened. Friday was a really, really
tough day for me. Fear took over. Shame began to whisper her familiar song and
before I knew it I felt stuck. But with the kind and loving guidance of my
therapist I was able to illuminate the experience in a way that allowed me to
see the many grains of wisdom that were sprinkled throughout for me. I
collected those grains, one by one and used them to strengthen myself further
and add something else useful to my toolbox. In my experience therapy has
always provided me with a reliable flashlight for my life. It’s never changed my
experience or altered my situation in any tangible way but it’s allowed me to
walk in the light rather than stumble through darkness.
This Tuesday morning we went to the woods with our
homeschool group and it was the perfect place to be. Amongst nature, with the
animals – big and small. The smell of pine needles washed over me and the sound
of children’s laughter and birdcalls entered my bones and grounded me. Watching
children interact with nature is such a good reminder to be forever curious,
fearless and excitable. On the way home Birdie said “Mama, you know what is the
best part of falling down? You can get back up again!”
God bless that little girl. She knew just how badly I needed
to hear those words right then. May we all remember that it is absolutely not
about being perfect, it’s about how many times you get back up again. For every
time we rise we are altered – a little wiser, older, kinder and stronger too.
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is
giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” Anna Quindlen
“I knew that if I allowed fear to overtake me, my journey
was doomed. Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves, and
so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I
decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.” Cheryl Strayed