on having a newborn, again
I took these photos of him when he was four weeks old
As Teddy's newborn stage draws to a close I wanted to put my thoughts about it down on "paper." I wanted to write it all down because having a newborn again has been so different and not for the reasons you would think. Though I do know better now than to run to the pediatrician at the first sign of a runny nose or his temperature being one degree above normal. And we did decide on a brand of diapers that we think is best and body wash, and diaper rash cream and towels and bottles... But that's not really why it's so different. It's different because I know, deep down in my bones, just how quickly this will all be over.
I know how quickly his newborn coos and squeals will be replaced with his first words. How quickly he will go from spindly to chunky. And how quickly he will go from fitting in the crook of my arm so perfectly to being half my size. And I desperately want to stop all of these milestones from coming in the same breath that I look forward to seeing him reach them. Such is the paradox that we are forever stuck in as parents. But since I know time will not wait until I've had enough newborn goodness I try to linger in it as much as possible.
Whereas with Birdie I took the good advice about not training her to sleep in my arms I simply don't care with him, I let him sleep in my arms all the time. By this time we had Birdie sleeping in her crib in her own room and yet he ends up in our bed almost every night. And I don't care. I love waking up to his cheeky smile. I nursed Birdie on a schedule and yet I let him eat on demand instead. Sure all these things come with some negative consequences, lack of sleep and autonomy being two of them, but I know that all of these habits of his will be over in an instant and replaced with something else and I know that the moment that happens I will wish I enjoyed it more.
This past weekend Birdie went down for her afternoon nap, papa bear was doing some work and Teddy had just nursed and was ready for a nap. Instinctually I thought of all the things I could do now that they were both asleep - clean, organize, work, etc... And then I looked down at him in my arms, his tiny little bottom lip quivering and his hands in fists rising up and down on his chest and I stopped. I decided to be utterly unproductive, to leave the kitchen a mess and allow the bills on my desk to sit there a moment longer while I linger where I am with this babe of mine. Naturally we fell asleep together and it was the best nap I've had in a long time. And somehow when I woke up the fact that the house was still dirty didn't bother me one bit.