on having another
Although I haven't even reached the halfway mark this pregnancy has already been significantly different from my first. I think the biggest change was the fact that it was a surprise. With Birdie we had been trying for a long time, there was much crying and begging and praying involved, so when we finally got that positive it was a "FINALLY!!" feeling. With this pregnancy, it was pure shock and disbelief from the very first moment. After Birdie, I was fully prepared to have a very difficult time getting pregnant again (part of the reason we were planning on waiting a little bit, I wasn't sure I was ready to get on that roller coaster again) so this baby instantly felt like magic, a miracle.
Although this baby wasn't in the plans and it has inevitably altered our future we all couldn't help but shake the feeling that this baby was meant to be in our family at this very moment, the timing, though not ours feels more right than anything we could have planned for. One thing that has saddened me is the number or times people ask us something along the lines of "well are you happy?" as if the sole fact that this pregnancy was not planned could possibly mean that this child was not wanted. Because the truth is I wanted this child since I was a little girl, I wanted this family, all of us, all four of us and perhaps one day five or six, for as long as I can remember. So even though I didn't spend my nights collecting tears on my pillow in want of this child and it was instead marvelously bestowed upon us doesn't mean my heart hasn't longed for him or her for years.
The other slightly unpleasant "side-effect" of this particular pregnancy has been all the anxiety. I don't know what it was with Birdie but I had this extreme degree of blissful ignorance when it came to all things pregnancy and delivery related. I had a feeling that nothing could possibly go wrong, I never questioned the outcome, my health or hers, and just sailed through the pregnancy. This time was so different. From the very beginning I felt so protective over this child, his or her fragility always a sharp reality in my mind. I felt that every new day we were given to continue on this journey was such an unbelievable blessing. At times the fear and questions would overwhelm me and that first prenatal appointment couldn't come soon enough. Papa bear graciously respected my wishes to keep this between us until I could breath a sigh of a relief upon hearing that heartbeat from inside my ever growing belly (which didn't happen until I was 14 weeks!). The waiting for that day was agonizing, for the first time I was frightened over not knowing how this baby was doing. I love that connection that comes later, feeling their every movement, knowing when they like to sleep and on which side and when they're excited or have the hiccups.
The first trimester was so hard for me and not just because I was physically ill, I was just so worried. It was lonely and scary and just not fun. And although I've gotten my health back and every other the day the baby lets me know how he or she is doing with a little nudge here and there, it does not mean I've come to take this baby for granted. I still feel, very acutely, just what a miracle this life inside me is and I'm so passionate about taking the best care of him or her, and myself for its sake, which, I'll be honest, is not easy with a very active and demanding toddler on the loose.
I'm interested in seeing how my thoughts and feelings change as this pregnancy progresses but more than anything I just can't wait to meet this little angel already!!