At peace

Years ago when we would talk about having kids we would always say it wasn't so much financial stability that we were concerned with but our own emotional stability and growth. My parents have always been believers that there's "no right time to have a baby" and having myself grown up in a family that struggled financially I can attest to the fact that it didn't have long-term damaging effects on me. But what I do believe both from from my study of psychology and life experience is that a parent carrying a lot of emotional baggage can negatively affect the life of their child well into adulthood. 

So having both been young when we got married we waited and allowed each other to grow and mature. We graduated, left jobs and got new ones, went to therapy, supported each other through some of our darkest moments, moved from the East Coast to the West and back, lost friends, gained friends and ultimately cheered each other on as we grew into the people who we are today. 

I wouldn't say we were necessarily "there" when we started trying but in the process we kind of both arrived at a place where we hoped we would be. Papa bear grew into the man that I am proud to call my husband; someone who spent his summer reading Schopenhauer, can unload forty bails of hay, corrals a dozen middle and high schoolers daily, draws baths for his very pregnant wife and greets his fur babies with kisses every day. And I grew into a much better version of myself. I spent a large part of my early twenties dealing with aspects of my personality that I wasn't even aware existed. I was angry, anxious, lost, lonely, depressed and confused. This state colored everything I did and touched and there was a lot of work to be done. Some of it happened in therapy and some of that work happened when life hit me where it hurt the most. 

Somehow out of the mess which was my early twenties I was able to emerge a calmer, more fulfilled, at peace and solid person. Basically I've arrived at a place I only hoped I would one day be. I hoped that by the time I would be a mother I would be the kind of woman my children could look up to and be proud of. I'm not there yet but I'm much closer than I was and I am passionate about staying on this course. 

I'm thankful for a husband who is equally as committed to our joint growth as I am and together I have faith that we can build the kind of family that will effuse warm, acceptance, love and joy.